readers' submissions

APEC - The true story...

by Soppy

DISCLAIMER: The Asian Piss 'Ead Convention is where the piss heads of various nations in the Asia Pacific region get together and supp beer. To protect the innocent, names have been changed and any resemblance to other people is purely coincidental. © www.pissedupasia.com

Bangkok's streets seemed almost ethereally quiet, policemen in tight brown uniforms manned key junctions and all the beggars had been shipped out of town for this piss up extravaganza which united suppers from countries as diverse as Chile, Russia and Indonesia.

The two day bender was designed to bring together the different cultures and promote closer cooperation between the drinkers of the region in an atmosphere of rapid elbow bending and mutual bonhomie.

Things got off to a bad start with an unwanted gate crasher arriving on the scene. Bill used to be the US representative but was replaced because it was felt he was more interested in chasing totty than getting wasted. On the eve of the convention he announced his arrival by asking the Philippine representative Gloria if she fancied a puff on his cigar. (Remember, all monikers have been changed.) He was later seen in The Other Office trying to pot his pink on the pool table. Phone calls were made and luckily he was given a special discount rate at Annie's massage parlour from where he has still not emerged.

All eyes though were on Georgie, Bill's successor. Georgie is indeed a serious drinker, having graduated with honours from PissPots University and all eyes were on him. He disappointed. Big Time. He'd taken his entourage to Chequers for an early morning fry up. Bacon, sausages, bloody marys. The whole lot. He then grabbed the TV remote and switched the channel to a sports one showing the world series and then he sat there hurling abuse at the TV screen until the manageress Harry came in.

Georgie's bunch was a raucous ensemble, dominating the bar with such quaint witticisms as 'we're gonna whoop your butt' which had Nina looking in her Thai English dictionary without success but the pendulum swung with the arrival of Harry. She took one look at the minority sport on TV, sniffed and pressed the mute button before turning on some music.

Hey doll, croons Georgie, we're all watching that.

Harry turned , spitting daggers. Not now you're not. And my names is Harry, not doll.

Georgie mulled that over for a while, something didn't add up and without his secretary Ms Rice, he was a bit slow on the up take.

Harry! But you're a woman, he finally said, feeling immensely pleased with himself for having worked it out for himself. Many guffaws emitted from the sunglasses wearing simians accompanying him, even his pet dog Howard looked up from the floor where he was resting at his master's feet, and woofed.

Harry is a ladyboy, started the chant. What happened next wasn't pretty to watch and involved various twisted limbs and Howard having his nose stood on by a 4 inch stiletto. The yelp could be heard in Patpong.

Which is where we catch up with Jean. This time a man with a lady's name, this frog from Canada is trying to impress the girlies in Cosmos and thinks he's on a winner cos they're all smiling and laughing at him. Until he comes to pay the bill.

But I am the APEC delegate from Canada.

Arai wa? (you what ?) says a waitress.

Je suis APEC, he tries again.

Arai wa? (you what ?) says a waitress.

I come from Canada. Eventually the staff realise that he is trying to say something so they call for Lek who writes love letters for the girls asking for money for their sick buffalo.

Jean repeats himself and she nods sagely but blankly. Her English is limited to money, grandmother sick, I miss you, love you long time, and this strange perspiring farang has used none of these words. Still, she cannot lose face so she tells the waitress he needs another drink and off she goes. Five hours later and Jean has crashed out under the table with the words 'I'm not a fucking american' written in lipstick on the back of his white shirt.

As anyone who has ever spent time in Thailand will tell you, Geography is no one's strength. Witness the conversation between the Thai and Indonesia delegates, Taxsin and Mega.

How do I get to Panthip Plaza, Mega wants to know. Of course pirated software is illegal in Jakarta but she wants some bargains for her son.

The request has Taxsin confused cos he can't find the way from his toilet to his office without a driver but he is keen to impress so he beckons one of his assistants and asks for a map. Oh what can emerge from such a simple request...the assistant has no idea what a map is so, this being Thailand, he goes off to have lunch. He mentions to the chef the strange request but the chef is pretty clued up and returns with a cold pizza from the fridge which the grateful assistant proudly gives to his boss.

Without batting an eyelid, Taxsin examines the pizza before saying:

OK, this is our hotel, he says pointing at a wrinkled olive. Turn left, he traces the thinly sliced onion, go under the bridge, he motions to the sliced pepperoni... Mega is impressed and dutifully follows the instructions, even asking the Concierge where the thinly sliced onion leads to much to his amusement. Mega was found one week later. She'd sent an sms to Taxsin saying I can't find the sliced pepperoni...

The aforementioned Gloria, finished shopping in the Emporium, is gagging for some beers and, having done her homework on www.pissedupasia.com checks out happy hour at the Londoner. She necks a few and gets talking to a poorly dressed English guy who looks and smells like an English Teacher. One thing leads to another, Gloria is pissed out her head, loses the rest of her money playing cards and ends up taking a job as a Teacher in a school in Nakhorn Bloodymilesaway. Still, she contents herself with the thought that the salary is higher than her previous job.

The Japanese delegate, Junichio woke up late on the second day of the conference. He ties his grey hair into a pony tail and leaves his guest house on Soi Ngam Duplee and heads down to Wongs, that cubby hole bar oozing charm and quality music. Junichio picks up the 6 string and starts jamming. Four hours later his table is full of empties as strums the intro one more time to Knockin on Heaven's Door. His cronies feel ill at ease in the pokey second hand shop and are keen to get down Soi Thaniya but Junichio ain't having none of it. His mobile goes off just as he finishes the Bob Dylan classic; it is the Korean delegate who is all alone with no particular place to go.

Get stuffed you dog eating reprobate is a loose translation as Junichio punches out the opening chords to Pretty Vacant with a big grin on his face and a joint sticking proudly out the side of his mouth. I can't believe they said this word on Top of the Pops he says...

At the same time as Mega was following her pizza map and Junichio was strummin in Wong's, the Peruvian and Chilean delegates were dining in El Gordo...aahh, who cares about them. After being evicted from Chequers, Georgie, his mutt Howard and assorted hangers on repaired to Woodstock. Was in here that a young French backpacker decided to come for a burger and a cold beer. He was initially intimidated by the boisterous rabble in the corner but the staff were friendly. Returning from the dunnie, Georgie approached him while adjusting his fly.

Hey y'all, he slurred. Come and join us, what's your name?

Finishing his burger, the Frenchie cautiously approached the noisy group, Georgie making room for him. Howard looked up, sniffed the newcomers feet and growled before yelping. He yelped louder when Georgie kicked him.

The Frenchie nervously shook hands. My name is Etienne, I come from...

Etienne, what kind of goddammed name is that? Georgie necked a beer and ordered one more.

It's French. I come from ... Where ever he came from was to remain a secret as Howard jumped up, cocked his leg and pissed on his trousers. As the warm urine ran down his bare white hairy leg, Georgie and crowd threw beer mats, towels and a couple of empty bottles at the soon to be rapidly retreating frog, all the time accompanied by chicken noises. 3pm in Nana is traditionally a quiet time but with APEC in town Etienne could not have chosen a worse place to come for a burger and beer. Georgie and Howard and the boys followed him out the bar, a cacophony of chook noises and ooh la las ringing round the plaza as he ran down the escalators, Howard chasing him, yelping excitedly.

Hey boss, one of the black suited simians approached Georgie. We ain't paid the bill...

The words hung in the humid afternoon as the mob looked at each other, then at the tiny waitress framed in the open doorway.

Run...

This story was offered by pissedupasia.com, the lifestyle website for the discerning drinker... in other words, your guide to drinking yourself silly across Asia.

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